jokes 

An Irishman is on Chris Tarrant’s millionaire quiz show and is on the last question. Chris says to Paddy “If you get this one right you win a million pounds but you can take the £500,000  and walk away if you want.”
Paddy says “Lets hear the question.”
Chris says “ For £1 Million which bird does not build a nest?
Is it A) The Cuckoo.
       B) The Robin.
       C) The Starling.
Or   D) The Blackbird.”
Paddy says “I have not got a clue. I just don’t know. But I’ll phone a friend. Can I phone Murphy in Ireland?”
Chris puts him through and Murphy is asked the question. He replies “The Cuckoo does not build a nest.”
Paddy says “ Are you sure Murphy?”
“Yes” he replies “100% Sure.”
Paddy goes with the answer and Chris says “Congratulations. You have just won £1 million. Well done.”
The next week Paddy returns to Ireland and says to Murphy “ Here is ¼ of a million  for getting that question right for me. But why were you so sure that it was the cuckoo that does not build a nest?”
“Easy” replies Murphy, “Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks.”

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by cannibals. They are all tied to posts awaiting their fate when the chief comes up to them and says to them “ We are going to kill you, then skin you and make canoes out of your skins. Do you have any last requests?”
The Englishman says “Yes I would like a pint of bitter and a roast beef dinner please.”
The cannibals are quite civilised and they prepare it for him. Then they kill him, skin him and make a canoe.
The Scotsman is next and he asks for a malt whiskey and a haggis supper. The cannibals get this and then kill him. When it’s the Irishman’s turn he asks for a pint of Guinness and a fork. Puzzled the cannibals get it for him and when they hand the fork over the Irishman snatches it off them and proceeds to violently stab himself all over with the fork. He says “You are not going to make a canoe out off me.”

There were three potato princesses who were called before their father the King. He said to them “ Well daughters you are all grown up now and its time you all found someone to marry. Come back and see me when you find yourselves a husband.”
The days pass and then the first daughter goes back to see her father. “Father” she says, “I have found the man I want to marry. Its King Edward.”
Her father says, “Well done daughter, I approve of the marriage as he is royalty.”
A few days later the second daughter goes before her father and says “Father I have found the man I want to be my husband. He is one of the Jersey Royal’s.”
“An excellent choice my dear, Royalty again, I approve.”
Later that week the third potato princess goes before her father and says “Father I have found the man I want to marry. Its Des Lineam.”
“No daughter I will not allow it because he is a common tater.”

There is a magician on board a cruise liner with a talking parrot. Whenever the magician performs a vanishing trick to the audience the parrot always gives the game away by saying “It’s up his sleeve” or “Its in his pocket.”
One day the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The magician survives and hangs on to a piece of flotsam with his parrot perched on another piece looking at him. The parrot keeps looking at him with one eye sideways until the magician says to it “What’s the matter with you?”
The parrot replies “Alright I give up, where is it? Where have you hidden the ship?”

An Irishman goes to the doctors and says “Doctor I can’t cope with my wife’s sexual demands. What can I do?”
The doctor replies “Run 5 miles every day and then after a week phone me and tell me how you are getting on."
Seven days goes by and the man phones the doctor. “How are things with your wife?” asks the doctor.
The man replies “I don’t know, I have not seen her” replies the man “I’m staying in a B&B 35 miles from home.”

A man is in the pub talking to his mate who he asks, “Do you know how I can get my tomatoes to ripen?”
His mate replies “Yes, take all your clothes off and walk round your greenhouse in the nude every day.”
 “And that will ripen my tomatoes?”
“Yes it works for me every time” says his mate.
The next week they meet again and his mate ask him “Did you get your tomatoes to ripen?”
“Yes” he says, “it worked a treat.”
Later on that evening he is talking to a young woman when she says, “Do you know how I can get my tomatoes to ripen?”
He replies, “Yes, my mate told me the other week. Take all your clothes off and walk round your greenhouse in the nude every day.”
She says “And that will ripen my tomatoes?”
“Yes” he replies “My mate told me about it the other week and I got mine to ripen straight away.”
 “I’ll try it then “She says.
Next week they meet up again and he asks the young woman “Did you get your tomatoes to ripen?”
“No” She say “It’s funny that, they didn’t but you should see the size of my cucumbers though.”

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