Bowls League

 

                             Jokes Page

 

A lady was having a bath when the door bell rang so she called out to her young daughter to answer it. The little girl opened the door and said hello to the man standing there “Who are you?” she asked.
“I’m the blind man” came the reply.
So the little girl called out to her mother that a blind man was there. Her mother shouted down to the little girl to show him up, which she did. When he entered the bathroom he said “My what a lovely pair of tits, now where do you want the blind fitting?”

 

 

A man goes to a fancy dress party stark naked with a girl on his back. His host says to him “What are you supposed to be? You know its fancy dress don’t you?”
The man replies “I’m a tortoise” then points to the girl on his back and says “This is Michelle.”

 

 

A young man plays a game of darts who has never played before. His first dart hits the double 20. He throws another and hits double 20 again but the third dart bounces out and hits a nun who is watching the game. The dart hits her smack between the eyes and kills her stone dead. The marker calls out “One dead nun and eighty.”

 

 

Murphy keeps bees and he said that his bees made the best honey in Ireland because they went into the park as the first rays of the sun were evaporating the early morning dew off the fresh flowers which were just opening for the first time.
His mate Paddy said “ That must be a lie because the park does not open until 9am.”

 

 

My mate is a bus driver and he was out in his bus the other day when he saw an old man flag him down between stops. As he has to stop at an authorised stop he drove on a couple of hundred yards to the nearest stop and waited for him. He saw the little old man running hell for leather to the bus and watched him climb aboard. My friend said, “You must be fit. You’re not even out of breath” to the little old man.
“Yes” the man replied “and I’m still having sex at 74.”
My friend murmured his surprise and the old man continued “My wife does not like it though because we live at 63.”

 

 

 

This lorry driver has several very bad experiences with estate agents which leave him very bitter. So when he is driving along and sees an estate agent at the side of the road he swerves his lorry and knocks him down. He does this several times and then one morning he is just setting off from home when he sees the local priest walking down the road. He pulls over and says “Where are you going? Would you like a lift Father?”
The priest replies “I’m going to the church about a mile down the road, thank you I would appreciate a lift to save my weary legs” and with that he gets into the truck.
A little further down the road the lorry driver sees an estate agent at the side of the road and shouts out “there’s an estate agent” and with that he swerves the truck but misses him as he remembers that he has a priest in the lorry and then as he goes past he hears a bang. The driver says “I’m sorry father I don’t know what came over me, I missed him.”
The priest replies “No need to apologise my son, I opened the door as we went past and hit him with that.”

 

 

A sales rep is out on business driving through the countryside when he breaks down. He does not know much about cars but he lifts the bonnet up anyway and has a fiddle about with the wires and so on. Suddenly he hears a voice say “It’s your distributor.”
He looks round but can’t see anyone so he puts his head under the bonnet again and again he hears a voice say, “It’s your distributor.” Then he sees a white horse with it’s head over a gate. So he walks down to it and the horse says, “It’s your distributor.” He walks back to his car scratching his head and looks at the distributor and he finds that is full of dirt so he cleans it and the car starts first time. He says to himself “That’s incredible I need a drink after that.” So he drives down the road a few hundred yards and sees a pub. He goes in and has a drink telling the landlord what happened. The landlord says to the rep “Was it a white horse or a black one?”
The rep replies “It was a white one. Why?”
Then the landlord says “You were lucky. The black one does not know anything about cars and is a terrible liar.”

 

 

A burglar breaks into a house and is in a downstairs room rummaging through the drawers when he hears a voice say “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
He looks round but can’t see anyone so he continues. The voice says again “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
So the burglar shines his torch round the room and sees a parrot cage in the corner with a parrot in it. The parrot says “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
The burglar, relieved, walks over to it and says “You can talk can you?”
The parrot replies “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
The burglar says to the parrot “What’s your name then?
The parrot replies “My name is Neville and Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar says “Neville is a funny name for a parrot.”
“Yes” replies the parrot “And Jesus is a funny name for a Rotweiller, but he is behind you and he is watching you.”