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A Very Rude Joke Book

The bunny and the snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, when he tripped over the snake and fell down. This of course knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh my" said the bunny" I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I am going, in fact since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK" replied the snake "Actually my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said "Well you are covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked "Well you're smooth and slippery and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and  staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna  lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

A man goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service? "Yes" he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment".  The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"? 

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00  PM,  then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A M"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"

There is a very bad car accident. The fire crew arrive on the scene and cut the badly injured man out of his car with blood everywhere. Then the ambulance arrives on the scene with two paramedics in. The victim is unconscious so the medics start working on him. They give him oxygen and artificial respiration and they cant detect a heartbeat so they pump on his chest. After two or three minutes of this they still can’t find any sign of life and are just about to give up when a car screams up and a woman gets out. She rushes over and sits on the victims face. Within a couple of minutes he is starting to show signs of life and recover. The paramedic says to the woman “That’s remarkable. What did you do?”
“That’s easy” she replies, “He wanted some blood and I’m having a period.”

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by cannibals. They are all tied to posts awaiting their fate when the chief comes up to them and says to them “ We are going to kill you, then skin you and make conoes out of your skins. Do you have any last requests?”

The Englishman says “Yes I would like a pint of bitter and a roast beef dinner please.”

The cannibals are quite civilised and they prepare it for him. Then they kill him, skin him and make a canoe.

The Scotsman is next and he asks for a malt whiskey and a haggis supper. The cannibals get this and then kill him. When it’s the Irishman’s turn he asks for a pint of Guinness and a fork. Puzzled the cannibals get it for him and when they hand the fork over the Irishman snatches it off them and proceeds to violently stab himself all over with the fork. He says “You are not going to make a canoe out off me.”

A burglar breaks into a house and is in a downstairs room rummaging through the drawers when he hears a voice say “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
He looks round but can’t see anyone so he continues. The voice says again “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
So the burglar shines his torch round the room and sees a parrot cage in the corner with a parrot in it. The parrot says “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
The burglar walks over to it and says “You can talk can you?”
The parrot replies “I am watching you and so is Jesus.”
The burglar says to the parrot “What’s your name then?
The parrot replies “My name is Neville and Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar says “Neville is a funny name for a parrot.”

“Yes” replies the parrot “And Jesus is a funny name for a Rotweiller but he is behind you and he is watching you.”

President Bush visits a school and the teacher asks him to give an illustration of the importance of the correct use of words. Mr Bush says to the class “Give me a sentence showing that you know the meaning of the word ‘Tragedy.’”
The whole class thinks and then one little boy puts up his hand and says “Please sir, I Know. It would be a tragedy if I fell over in the classroom and sprained my ankle.”
Mr Bush replies “No, that would be unfortunate but it would not be a tragedy. Someone else perhaps has the answer.”

A little girl pipes up “If the school bus full of pupils on a school trip, ran off the road and went over a cliff killing everyone. That would be a tragedy.”
“No.” Replies Mr Bush “That would be an accident but it would not be a tragedy.”
A small boy shouts out “I know Mr President. If you were in Air Force One and it was shot down by friendly fire. That would be a tragedy.”
The President says “Yes it would. Now explain why.”
The little boy says “Well it would not be unfortunate and it certainly would not be a F-ck-ng accident!”

Mirror, Mirror

Snow White, Tom Thumb and The Hunchback Of Notre Damme are in the pub having a drink. Snow White goes up to the bar to get a round and sees a mirror hanging over the bar. When she goes back to the others she tells them and says “I wonder if I am still the fairest of them all. Perhaps I should ask the mirror.” So she goes up to the mirror and asks. The mirror says “Of course you are the fairest of them all Snow White.”

Snow White goes back to the others with a smile and Tom Thumb says “I wonder if I am still the smallest of them all.” So he decides to ask the mirror. The mirror tells him he is still the smallest of them all so he goes back as pleased as punch and tells the others. Then Quasimodo decides to ask if he is still the ugliest of them all so he goes up to the mirror and asks if he is still the ugliest of them all. When he comes back he has got a long face and is upset. Snow White asks him “What is wrong, aren’t you the ugliest person?”

The Hunchback Of Notre Damme replies “No,” and then says “Who is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway?”

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